Why Calm Isn’t What You Think It Is
Today, I want to explore a question: why isn’t calm what you think it is?
For so many of us, our entire lives are built on chasing calm. We may not say it outright, but if we take a closer look, it’s true. Everything we do—what we eat, drink, buy, achieve, or seek—comes back to this desire to feel calm.
Think about it: whether it’s wine, meditation, your career, relationships, or that thing you’ve been eyeing on Amazon, much of it is driven by the hope that it will bring you some sense of peace.
The Chase for Calm
At some point, many of us dive into personal growth or spiritual work, hoping to crack the code on calm. Maybe it’s through meditation, affirmations, or other tools, and suddenly calm becomes yet another thing to chase.
But here’s the irony: the harder we try to “make ourselves calm,” the less attainable it feels. We start fixating on the discomfort in our bodies, judging ourselves for not being calm enough, and desperately trying to remember all the tools and techniques we’ve learned.
The result? We feel even less calm.
The Danger of Spiritual Bypassing
I see this so often in the work I do. A woman once came into a group coaching session I was leading, deeply upset about something terrible that had happened to her. But what upset her even more was that she couldn’t stay calm while it was happening.
She had convinced herself that because she was on a spiritual journey, she should be able to stay calm in any situation. But this belief is not only wrong—it’s damaging.
It’s impossible to stay calm all the time. Life simply doesn’t work that way. Unless you completely withdraw from the world and isolate yourself in a bubble, you will experience moments of stress, frustration, or anger. And even then, the smallest irritation—a snoring meditation partner or food you don’t like—can disrupt the calm.
Calm Is Who You Are
Here’s the fundamental truth: calm isn’t something you create. It’s who you are at your essence.
Take toddlers, for example. They move through emotions—joy, anger, sadness, and excitement—in the space of minutes. But in between, they’re naturally calm because they’re not judging their emotions or resisting them.
As adults, we’ve been conditioned to think some emotions are “wrong” or “bad,” so we try to avoid or fix them. This disrupts the natural flow, creating more tension and taking us further from the calm that’s always there.
The Irony of Calm
The more we chase calm, the further we feel from it. It’s like piling layers of thoughts on top of thoughts:
I’m not calm.
I must not be doing it right.
I need more tools, more techniques.
But these thoughts are the very thing pulling us away from calm. Calm is already within you—it’s the bedrock of who you are.
In The Thriving Woman Approach, we focus on helping women see the difference between who they truly are and what is transient. Everything that isn’t calm, peace, or wisdom is simply passing through—it’s not you.
Calm in the Chaos
When you start to see this, something magical happens. You settle into calm naturally. It’s not about avoiding emotions or stopping the flow of life—it’s about realizing that calm can exist even when things feel chaotic.
I’ve spoken before about having a panic attack while crossing stepping stones over water. My heart was racing, my knees felt weak, and anxiety coursed through my body. But underneath all of that, there was a calm observer—a part of me that was simply aware of the experience without being swept away by it.
That calm observer is who you truly are.
Stop Chasing, Start Thriving
All emotions are welcome. They’re a natural part of being human, and the more we allow them to flow, the more we experience that innate calm that’s always been there.
It’s not about tools or techniques. It’s about reconnecting with the truth of who you are.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to invite you to check out The Thriving Woman Masterclass. This is a chance to explore a no-tools, no-techniques approach to going from surviving to thriving—and it could change your life.
